Always (Always Series Book 1) Page 14

  “I’m so close, baby,” I manage to pant out, feeling lightheaded from my heavy breathing. I bring my head back up and meet Travis’s hooded eyes. I raise my hips off him enough to grip him, stroking him a couple times, because I can’t keep my hands off of him. We both look down and watch as I place him at my entrance and slide down. Our foreheads are against each other as we watch our bodies combine for the first time. We both moan at the same time – watching, feeling, wanting us.

  “Fuuuuck… You feel so amazing,” Travis exhales sharply when I bottom out, spreading my knees as far as I can before sliding back up. My hands are braced behind me on his knees while my hips rock and roll. He thrusts up to meet my movements, and we soon find a rhythm. His mouth is back on my nipple, licking and sucking like a pro. When I feel his thumb touch my clit, I let out a primal scream that I’m sure the neighbors can hear.

  “Yes, yes, yes,” I chant, climbing higher and higher in euphoria. A few more swipes of his thumb and my body explodes. My vision goes black with stars, and I tingle everywhere. My orgasm is still rocking through me when Travis flips us so I’m on my back. He spreads me wide to take me deeper, driving into me. If there was ever a time I wish sex would never stop, it’s now. He lifts my leg up over his shoulder, and the new position has me ready to explode again. “Ohmygosh. Travis.” The moment his name slips from my lips, I clench around him for the second time, but this time I pull him with me. My body milks everything out of him. Travis groans into my neck as he takes every last bit of what I have to offer.

  When his hips finally stop, we’re both slick with sweat, hearts pounding, breaths ragged. “I love you so fucking much,” he says as his lips kiss my neck.

  “I love you, too. So much, Travis, it scares me.”

  He kisses me once more on the lips before pulling out and separating our bodies. “Come on, pretty girl, let’s go take a shower,” he says, pulling me up from the bed and into his warmth again.

  My body feels like a noodle, and I’m thankful for the arm he has around me. Travis wraps my body in a towel and sits me on the closed toilet while he turns on the shower and waits for the water to warm up. My eyes travel up and down his tall, naked frame. This man is mine. Wow. Why the hell he wants me, I’ll never understand. I’m one lucky lady.

  “You’re going to make me blush if you don’t stop looking at me like that,” Travis says, making me jump.

  “You’re so damn hot. I can’t help it,” I giggle.

  He pulls me up, taking the towel from my body and walking us into the shower. He wraps his arms around me, the hot water spraying us. “You are hot, sexy, beautiful… the list could go on and on.” He smiles, pushing my hair out of my face. “I love you. I can’t stop saying it. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

  “I don’t tire of hearing it. I love you, too.”

  “You feel alright? Did I hurt you?”

  “You’re joking, right? I haven’t felt this good, since, well, ever.” The devastatingly sexy smile that spreads on his face about makes me want to jump him again. “That was amazing. And amazing doesn’t even feel like enough of a word. Incredible, wonderful, fantastic, heavenly, the world’s best fucking.”

  His laughter rumbles from him. “The world’s best fucking. Glad I could please.”

  “Don’t be a smug ass.”

  “Just so you know, I feel the same. It was definitely the world’s best fucking.”

  “Well, crap, I guess it goes downhill from here.”

  “Not even close. If it was this great the first time we slept together, think about how awesome it’ll be five, ten years down the road,” he says, wagging his eyebrows up and down.

  “Well, first I need food. I’m hungry.”

  We finish our shower and order pizza. “Want to watch Friends?” I ask.

  “Sure. I haven’t watched it since with you before.”

  “Me either.”

  “But it’s your favorite.”

  “But it just reminded me too much of you and made me sad.”

  He kisses my head, pulling me into his side as we start where we left off years before.

  We’ve consumed our pizza and are on the episode where Ross and Rachel take a break. It makes me wonder how much Travis dated while we were apart.

  “So, how many girls did you see while we were on our break?”

  “None.”

  “What? How is that possible?”

  “I didn’t want anyone but you, Josie. I told you, it’s only ever been you.”

  “Not even a date or one-night stand, nothing?”

  “Nope. What about you? How many dudes came calling?”

  “I’ve just been pining for the Gellar that got away,” I tell him. Travis leans in and kisses my nose.

  “Let’s never take a break again.”

  “Never.”

  “Am I enough, Joes? Seriously. Is what I have to offer enough? I’m a car mechanic. I’m dirty all the time, I don’t make a lot of money and I don’t have much of anything to my name but terrible parents. I wish I had more to offer you.”

  “Travis, I love you. I love that you are doing something that makes you happy. I don’t care about the other stuff. I just want you. You’ve always been enough. I was the one that wasn’t.”

  “But you think you are now?”

  “Not even close.”

  “Together we are. Together we’re enough.”

  “Always.”

  Chapter 15

  Josie

  After Travis and I lived in bliss for the weekend, tangled up in each other, reality hit hard on Monday. He went to work, Tatum went to school and I broke the news to my team at work. Candace immediately fell into me, hugging me and crying. Everyone gave me their encouraging words, but if there’s anything I’ve learned so far, it’s that no one knows exactly what to say to you when you tell them you have stage three breast cancer.

  I was told the survival rate is 72%. To me, I hear that I’ve got better odds then I thought I would. Everyone else hears that more than a quarter of the ones diagnosed won’t make it. I’m choosing to stay positive. I have to. I have two kids I want to see grow up, get married and make me a grandma one day. Not to mention I want a life with Travis.

  It still seems so surreal that he wants me and I want him. I don’t believe we always choose who we fall in love with, but I’m glad he picked me if we do. We aren’t a perfect match. We aren’t what most people picture as a typical couple. We’re taboo, wrong to some, sinful to others, but to us we’re beautiful. That’s what really matters in the end, right?

  Travis is holding my hand as we drive to the cancer center where I’ll be getting my first chemotherapy treatment today. Every other Wednesday is chemo day. He’s been quiet this morning. We dropped Tatum at school and then started our drive. He took off work for the rest of the week to help me, not knowing how I’ll feel afterward.

  I’m sitting next to him in his truck, smelling like gasoline and oil and him, looking at his stern face while he drives. His beautiful face. Gosh, I could stare at him forever.

  “Stop staring at me like that,” he says after a while, with a smile threatening to show on the corner of his mouth.

  “I’m putting this one in the cancer cards. I’m allowed to stare at you as much as I want.”

  “Cancer cards?”

  “Yep. I’ve decided to keep a list of the things that I can get away with now that I have cancer, and no one can say anything about it.”

  He shakes his head with a small chuckle before lifting my hand to his lips and kissing it. I hope so much that he’ll continue to smile and laugh through the upcoming months.

  * * *

  Once we had arrived this morning, I talked with Dr. Shultz, who decided to change our plan a little bit. Instead of doing treatment two days in a row for shorter times, we decided to do one, but for eight hours. I called Candace, and she said it was no problem for her to stay with Tatum after school until we got home.

  It was a long eight hours
. At first, it wasn’t bad, but then I started chilling and feeling sick by the last two hours. By the time we’re pulling into the driveway, I already feel like I’m going to throw up. The nausea started getting bad almost as soon as we left the center.

  Like he can sense it, Travis unlatches my seatbelt for me after walking to my side of the truck. “I’ve got you, pretty girl.” He picks me up and carries me inside and straight to the bathroom in my room. “Want me to make you a bath?”

  “That sounds nice. Can you check on Tate and let Candace know she can leave?” I ask, my head now hovering above the toilet.

  He starts the water to fill the bathtub, but before he leaves I start to vomit. He sits behind me and holds my hair out of my face, rubbing my back, while I empty my stomach. I’m exhausted after ten minutes of retching while Travis quietly soothes me from behind. When I think I’m done, I flush the toilet, twice as directed, and fall back limply against his body, ready for sleep to pull me under.

  “You alright, pretty girl?” I manage a small nod and hum against his chest. “You still want to try a bath or want to just get in bed?”

  “I’m cold, so a bath sounds nice, but I’m so tired.”

  “Let’s get you a quick bath and then you can sleep.”

  When he left to check on Tatum, I slid into the bath, the hot water feeling heavenly. I wash up and grab the fluffy new robe that Candace gave me yesterday before curling up in bed.

  “You done already?” Travis asks, sitting on the edge of the bed, fingers combing through my wet hair.

  “I was going to fall asleep in there if I sat for too long.”

  “I brought you some water. Everything I read says you need to drink, drink, drink after treatment. Also, here’s a can in case you feel sick again. You need anything else?”

  “No.” I smile at him, loving him so hard right now. “Candace leave?”

  “Yeah, she wanted to stay, but she left. Tate is already sleeping. Candace said she did her homework and packed her lunch for tomorrow already.”

  “That’s good.”

  “I’m going to take a quick shower before I get in bed.” He stands, then leans over and kisses me soft and sweet.

  “Thank you, baby.”

  “You never have to thank me for taking care of you, Josie.”

  Even though I felt tired, nausea wouldn’t let me sleep. I tossed most of the night, waiting for when I was going to throw up again but instead just felt sick all night long. The back and forth of nausea and vomiting excessively went on for two days. Finally, by day three that subsided, but in kicked the aches and fatigue. I didn’t have an appetite, and my mouth felt pasty and gross all the time. It was awesome, said no cancer patient ever. By days four and five, I was so tired I couldn’t get out of bed or stay awake for very long before falling back to sleep. The only good thing about sleeping so much is not having to feel the aches I had. I’m fairly certain this is what ‘living hell’ actually is.

  Travis stayed with me the entire time. Whenever I woke up, he was there next to me in bed. He took care of Tatum after school, made them dinner and was my strength when I had none. I was so thankful for him, but I also feared it would get to be too much.

  * * *

  When Ollie called me during my last chemo session and told me he was coming in to help for the weekend, a part of me wanted to tell him no. I hate that Tatum has to see the aftermath of chemo and Travis has to take care of me; but to have Ollie be here, too, it’s going to kill me. I’ve never wanted my kids to have to see the bad side of all this; that’s the part that hurts. I can live with the pain and illness of it all myself, but I hate the looks of pity and unease and sadness that drips from them.

  I’m dozing in and out of sleep on the couch while watching the snow fall when I hear Ollie walk in the front door. Travis meets him there, and I hear their hushed voices talking but can’t make out what they’re saying. My mind feels like it’s in a constant fog after the start of a chemo cycle; I learned this after the first two sessions.

  “Stop whispering about me and come give your mom a hug,” I say as loudly as I can muster. I hear them both chuckle as they walk in to join me.

  Ollie bends to give me a hug and kiss. “Hey, Mom.”

  “How’s my boy doing?”

  “I’m good. A little hungry,” Travis says, rubbing his stomach.

  “You’re an ass,” Ollie laughs. “I’m good. Thankfully, I don’t have much schoolwork to do this weekend, so I get to bug you even more.”

  “You could never bug me.”

  “That’s true. That’s Tate’s job.” As if on cue, she walks in from school. “Speak of the devil herself,” Ollie adds.

  “Ollie!” She runs in, jumping in his arms.

  “Hey, Tates, missed me, I see.”

  “Barely,” she says, rolling her eyes.

  They joke back and forth for a minute, and I enjoy watching them together until a wave of nausea hits. I look up and grab Trav’s attention. He knowingly nods and helps me up and to the bathroom just in time. I don’t usually get sick much after the first couple days, but every now and then my body decides to rebel more. When we walk back out to join Ollie and Tatum again, the looks on their faces all but destroy me.

  “It’s OK, guys.”

  “I hate this,” Ollie says, looking to the ground.

  “I do, too, but this means the cancer is leaving. You have to look at it like that.”

  “I still hate it, and I hate that I can’t be here to help you.”

  “Travis, do you mind helping Tatum with her homework so I can have a minute with Ollie?”

  “Sure, pretty girl. Come on, Tates, let’s get a snack.”

  Once they leave, I turn to Ollie, who’s still looking at the carpet like it has a secret to tell. “Ollie, I need you to be strong for your sister. You can’t say stuff like that around her. We have to stay positive.”

  “I’m sorry. I just… I just hate it. I don’t know how else to say it.”

  “I don’t like it, either.”

  “I know. It’s just hard to see you like this and not be able to do anything. I wish you’d let me take a break from school to help.”

  “No. I told you before, you are where you’re supposed to be. Travis is amazing, and Candace helps fill in the gaps. We’re OK.”

  “It’s OK if you’re not, you know.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Mom, you’re so strong and brave all the time, but it’s alright if you need to cry or whatever. You’re allowed.”

  “I just can’t. If I let myself go, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop,” I admit.

  “Are you scared?”

  “Petrified.”

  His tear-filled eyes meet mine, and I can’t hold back my sobs any longer. He wraps me in his arms and holds me while our tears fall.

  “I’m so scared of losing you and having Dad as my only parent.”

  It’s a different kind of sad that he thinks that, but it’s enough to make me laugh. “Sorry, you got a raw deal there.”

  “Eh, you win some, you lose some. I won the lottery with my mom though, so it’s alright.” He smiles.

  “I love you, Ollie. Thank you for coming home this weekend. I know it means a lot to Tatum, too.”

  “I’ll be here as much as I can, and when I’m not, I’m glad you have Trav.”

  “Me too.”

  “Who’s ready for some Uno?” Tatum asks, walking in to join us.

  “Oh, you are going down,” Ollie says, rubbing his hands together.

  “Not a chance, loser,” she taunts.

  We spent the weekend playing Uno and napping while watching movies. It was perfect despite the reason behind it all. I hated that I lost it with Ollie, but I think I kind of needed the release of emotions. It seemed to calm him as well, so I guess that’s good.

  I love these kids of mine so much, and I can’t imagine living without them or losing Travis. The fact that they are having to deal with the thought of losing me
is so devastating. I want to protect them from everything bad and painful; it just happens that this time I’m what’s causing the pain. It hurts my heart to know that I can’t protect them from this. We just have to keep moving forward and hoping for the best. One day at a time and all that.

  TRAVIS

  If there was ever a time I wish I could sacrifice myself for someone, to take their place, it’s now. Watching Josie the past couple weeks has been torture. I’ve tried so hard not to let her see how much it’s affecting me, but I’m sure she can sense it some. I hate seeing her in pain. I would gladly cut off all my limbs for her not to have to endure this.

  It's so unfair that Josie, the most selfless person I know, is the one with the bad luck to get this. Why does this shit always happen to the good people and not to the scumbags of the world? Where’s the justice in that? She should be having the most beautiful life, without pain and suffering. I don’t get it.

  I’m lost in my thoughts as the shower pounds on my back. This is where I let my emotions run through me. It’s where my pleas are muffled by the sound of the water. It’s where I feel like I can let the hot water burn and scald the pain I feel for her off me. Down the drain go my tears, my fears, my anger.

  She’s at the end of her second cycle, which means she feels the best right now. Her eyes have their glow, the deep blue pools I love to swim in swallow me whole. But it also means that in a couple days, I have to see her writhe in pain. I fucking hate this!

  “Travis?” Her flowery voice pulls me from my dark thoughts. I lift my head from where it’s resting against the tile wall and look at her. “Oh, baby, it’s OK.” I don’t have to say anything; she can see the emotions all over my face. I clench my jaw to hold back my anger and tears that want to surface.

  She strips off her clothes and steps into the shower with me. Her arms wrap around me, and it’s all I need right now to help the rest of my emotions wash away.